This lapse in my updates here isn’t for any life reasons. It’s just plain writers’ block. I don’t really know what to write about this chapter.
When it showed each of the tribes presenting their sacrifices, I thought maybe it might be another way of foreshadowing which tribes would be more important later, emphasizing that Judah was wealthier. But everyone gives the exact same amount, which doesn’t seem quite fair when there’s such a large population differences between them.
And so I thought maybe I could write about that, about equality… and then I started wondering, how boring would this blog be to someone who isn’t me? It seems like it’s pretty pedantic, like I’m writing a book report on every chapter and the little things I look up and learn about it.
This isn’t supposed to be just a book, it’s a scripture, it’s the scripture of my religion. And there are lots of portions of the Bible that I know move me very deeply, and that there doesn’t need to be this connection to every verse and so forth.
But I also worry if this is a symptom of how my faith is very cerebral and dry. This anxiety got worse when I started reflecting on one way that people say they can find scripture to be meaningful, the lectio divina, this Catholic mystic tradition of experiencing scripture by (1) reading, (2) meditation, (3) prayer, and (4) contemplation. I’m fairly good at #1, 2, and 4, but #3….
I have a pretty terrible prayer life. I don’t ever want to lump myself in with people like Bishop Spong who dismiss the idea of a personal God who hears and answers prayers, but functionally I often act as though that’s exactly what I believe. I feel ridiculously awkward when I try to pray most of the time. That whole reminder from Jesus that God already knows what you’re going to say tends to haunt me – what’s the point of verbal communication with the Omniscient?
So I suppose it was something of a blessing that this post by Rachel Held Evans appeared in my blog updates, and I think that structured prayer may be a better path for me and my personality. From now on, even if I don’t get much out of an individual chapter, I’m going to try to use it as an opportunity to practice prayer until I feel less like a freak for doing it.
The Japanese: horo-tsuki “hood-covered” (v 3), buntan “share, portion” (v 5).